Author Archives: Rabbi

Obama’s End Game

Only the most hard-core anti Obama-ites could fail to be impressed by President Obama’s visit to Israel this week, notwithstanding all the inconveniences to travelers and residents. He said all the right things, went to some (not all) of the right places, effectively retracted some of the anti-Israel rhetoric from his Cairo address four years ago, publicly demanded nothing of Israel, and read speeches that could have been (actually, have been) delivered by Shimon Peres and others on the Israeli left.
The only discordant note – and a familiar rhetorical trope of the last 20 years – was his plea to Israeli youth to force their government to “take risks for peace.” The university youth with whom he spoke – there was no dialogue at all on this “listening tour,” unless by that he meant listening to applause – was effectively hand-picked, and trend to the far left of Israeli society with little influence on the political system. No Hesder students, or students at the University of Ariel, need apply.
The notion of taking “risks for peace” is quite rich coming from someone who does not walk four ells without hundreds of bodyguards, who will not drive on a road with other cars or fly in a helicopter unless the traffic below is routed elsewhere. That is to say, how about you taking some risks first, to show your good faith in humanity, as you wish Israelis would do?
Of course, the Secret Service would never allow it, and the American President faces special threats that deserve – he is a symbol, after all – special protection. But every human being is precious, and knowing as he does that territory surrendered by Israel to the enemy has always become a base for new terror against Israel, how can he propose that Israelis should take risks that he would not in his own life, and risks that have blown up in the faces of Israelis when ever carried out? Even this, timed for Obama’s visit, Hamas fired rockets from Gaza that destroyed a house in Sderot.
He can suggest it because that phrase – “risks for peace” – has been uttered by Shimon Peres for decades, and is a close cousin to its still-grieving relative, “sacrifices for peace,” the label affixed to the unfortunate Israelis who were murdered by Arabs when “risks for peace” were taken in the 1990s and 2000s. It asks that hope triumph over experience and logic, and sounds compassionate, albeit short-sighted and foolish. But people of the left often glorify and extol compassion more than they do facts and logic.
Nonetheless, Israelis warmed to Obama, who was charming, gracious, eloquent and used all the code words that Israelis want and like to hear. So, what’s the catch? The Arabs were beside themselves with irritation bordering on rage; the only anti-Obama demonstrations took place in Ramallah (except for some environmentalists here protesting something about exploration in the Arctic; there are all types of Jews). They genuinely expected threats, recriminations and pressure; none of that happened. In fact, the opposite occurred. Obama essentially said to Abbas, if you want to keep talking about talking, you can, but nothing will change ever. That suits Israel well, as the current situation can easily continue until Messiah comes, whenever he comes. (The real threats to Israel are again external, and even if the local Arabs resume their terror – as has happened recently, on a low scale, the IDF and security forces are well-situated in the cities to thwart it. What is end game?
A few possibilities present: First, that we had Obama all wrong, and that he is as pro-Israel as other American presidents like Bush II or Reagan, but leans more toward Labor and they lean more to Likud. It could be that his first term speeches were written by an anti-Israel speechwriter who has now been dispatched to al-Jazeera.
Second, that Barack Obama is playing good-cop, bad-cop, and after Obama leaves to universal acclaim, Kerry and his hammer will come down hard on Israel, and make demands for new settlement freezes, more withdrawals and prisoner releases, and other empty good faith gestures. That is very possible, although Israel – if it wishes – is well-suited to deflect that pressure because the Arab leadership is so inept and always looks angry and cantankerous. They just make demands, and – like a petulant child – do not know how to respond to a “no.” (Part of the reason is for twenty years, they became accustomed to hearing “yes” to whatever they wanted.)
Third, that Obama was playing to a domestic American audience. Presidents always look good on friendly foreign soil, and he has been stung by criticism (he is remarkably thin-skinned for a public figure) that he is anti-Israel. This doesn’t seem likely at all, as he is not running for re-election, and could say or do anything and still get 70% of the Jewish vote.
So, why, why? It might be (I can certainly hope) that Obama has tired of the Mideast mess, realizes the problem is intractable, and that there is nothing to gain – politically, militarily or otherwise – in pressuring Israel or catering to the Arabs. The real obstacles to negotiations dwell in Ramallah. Why should Obama waste his time in this region? So, he came here, paid his debts, spoke his piece, did his due diligence and can now move on without being accused of “ignoring” the problem. He basically challenged both sides to work it out, employing the empty arguments of the left, but nothing that is completely outside the broad consensus of Israeli life. He realizes that with Egypt and Syrian in turmoil, the specter of Iran looming, and Jordan and Saudi Arabia trembling before the future, the odds are not great that Israel will take “risks for peace,” but the words sound good, as does the applause. At least he did something.
Of the four possibilities, the last strikes me as the most plausible. Israel could benefit from a little benign neglect of the American president, who was quite clear that Israel has the complete right to defend itself. With the demographic edge shifting to Israel (unlike the hackneyed claim of the left here and Obama himself), and the balance of power heavily in Israel’s favor, there is no reason at all for Israel to respond with concessions to a vicious, hateful enemy.
As for Obama, if this is why he came, and this is his end game, I can only say – despite the inconveniences to residents – “please come again.”

Hail to the Chief

President Obama is gracing the State of Israel with his presence this week, for no discernible reason other than that to have continued avoiding Israel when he has visited many of the world’s despots would have seemed churlish. He comes with a huge entourage, no new “peace” initiatives (thankfully), and the stagecraft of presidential pomp that is always impressive.
How do Israelis feel about it? Many readers may not be able to imagine that Israel is a small country, with a land mass the rough equivalent of New Jersey and a population far smaller than that of New York City. In a small country, symbols matter, and the official preparations have been underway for days – dress rehearsals, itineraries, signage, and the who’s who of invitations to the various official functions. Every such visit, in sense, validates the “legitimacy” of the small country visited, and certainly here where Israelis are always a touch insecure about their place in the world, and for good reason.
One point cannot be overlooked: whoever planned this trip chose the absolutely worst week imaginable to have a presidential visit. The week before Pesach in Israel (as anywhere in the Jewish world, but particularly so here) is a beehive of activity, and to have a presidential visit on the busiest shopping and travel week of the year is pure insanity. I wouldn’t accuse Obama’s handlers of insensitivity, but of rank cluelessness.
Consider: Israel’s main highway connecting its airport (near Tel Aviv) to Jerusalem will be closed for several hours on Wednesday, mid-afternoon; dozens of streets in some Jerusalem residential areas are closed to cars – parked or moving – from Wednesday through Friday. (Most homes do not have garages, nor are there parking garages in residential neighborhoods. Where will the residents put their cars? Beats me. And how come they don’t clear New York streets of cars when the President visits?) Israel’s only international airport will be closed for hours at a time.
Stores within a 2.1 kilometer radius of Obama’s travels have to be closed for three days – at the height of the tourist season. Merchants were so informed on Sunday, and will receive no compensation from the government for their lost earnings. The King David Hotel had to relocate hundreds of guests on the week before Passover, because the hotel must be completely empty except for the President’s official party. The Inbal Hotel had to find new places for only half its guests; the White House press corps does not merit the same exclusivity. (And both hotels eagerly competed against many other hotels for the right to host both parties.)
The Israel Museum will be closed to visitors on Thursday to accommodate the presidential visit, and Yad Vashem will be closed on Friday for the same reason. Israelis are being told to avoid coming to Jerusalem this week, the Holy City, the week before Pesach. Clueless, indeed. People plan visits to Israel around the holiday season, and want to visit sites that will simply be off-limits to them.
Obama’s stated purpose for the visit is to “meet with Israelis.” For that reason, he strangely eschewed addressing the Knesset, Israel’s Parliament, as several of his predecessors have done. Of course, he can’t “meet” the people, because he is ensconced in a sterile zone in which regular “people” are not allowed. The “people” that he will be meeting, in the one session devoted to meeting the “people,” is a get-together with Israeli university students in which all universities were invited to send representatives, except for the University of Ariel (in Samaria), excluded for the lamest reason fathomable, unworthy of repetition here.
Because Obama will not ever be in the presence of spontaneous crowds, he will receive a cordial welcome wherever he goes – and rightfully so. I am not of the mind that he will be convinced to do anything – let Israel determine its own future, free Jonathan Pollard, etc. – by embarrassing him. Suffice it to say, the Pollard issue has been revived by the Obama visit, as there are signs all over Israel with pictures of Obama and Pollard and the text between their pictures reading “Yes, You Can.” Nice touch. Pollard deserves to be pardoned; he has now served a sentence more than seven times longer than any other American ever convicted of the same offense – passing classified information to an ally. It is unconscionable that he is still in prison, the likely reasons being Jew-hatred and the inclination of American presidents to use Pollard as a bargaining chip to wring concessions from Israel at some future date. (Such was confessed by Dennis Ross when he urged Bill Clinton not to release Pollard as Clinton had promised to then PM Netanyahu in his first term, before the Wye Conference.) But freedom for Jonathan Pollard has become one of the few issues that unite all Israeli politicians – left and right, religious and not-yet-religious – and the Israeli people as well.
So there is no clear reason why Obama is coming at all, and certainly not this week. Of course, for Obama, it is a public relations bonanza. Presidents always look good on friendly foreign soil, and most presidents have traveled more in their second terms than in their first terms, as they grow frustrated with the lack of progress on their domestic agenda. (That itself is a reason why Americans should rejoice that Obama is coming to Israel.)
The clichés will be raining down on our heads – Obama has “Israel’s back;” “Iran will not acquire a nuclear weapon;” “all options are on the table;” Israel “has no better friend.” Less clear are the details, in which the devil always finds his place. Iran will not obtain a nuclear weapon – America’s “highest priority” – until it does. And then what? Probably, it will be President Bush’s fault.
Does Israel need a “green light” from the US go attack Iran? Should it coordinate with the US? Frankly, can a Hagel or Kerry be trusted with sensitive information about a planned Israeli strike on Iran, knowing that both are sincerely and firmly anti-war? This is not purely theoretical. A White House source last year leaked to the media Israel’s negotiations with Azerbaijan, a neighbor of Iran, to use their airfields in case a military strike become necessary.
There is a palpable fear that Obama will produce some diplomatic surprise, publicly call for another settlement freeze, a Palestinian state by a date certain, behind-the-scenes threats of repercussions (what could those be? Israel’s economy is stronger that America’s, and Israel would be wise not to complain about the reduced aid it is due to receive this year as a result of the sequester) or something to start the ball rolling on another wave of concessions leading up to a signing ceremony that will be meaningless even before the ink is dry. A plan for new concessions will surely undermine the new Netanyahu government even before the ministers have grown comfortable in their new cars.
The only vocal opposition to Obama’s visit, complete with insults (shoes were thrown at an American diplomatic vehicle driving in Bethlehem the other day, a real affront in the Arab world), comes from the so-called Palestinians, who are angry that Obama is not “forcing” Israel to surrender. They will find that even a sympathetic Obama has tired of their foot-dragging (they could have had a state, G-d forbid, a dozen years ago if they really wanted one) and their incessant demands. Terrorism has unfortunately heated up again; the last two months have seen a marked increase in stoning and shootings of Jews by Arabs in Judea and Samaria, and active terrorist cells in Tel Aviv and Jerusalem have been thwarted just in the last few days before they could carry out their diabolical attacks.
I hope that the President will be greeted warmly, as befits any American President. I hope as well that in response to his request for “good will gestures” from the Israelis that each Israeli with whom he meets asks for an American good will gesture first: the release of Jonathan Pollard after 28 years of imprisonment.
Barack Obama is coming here because he has to come here sometime. The timing is bad, but it makes life interesting and travel treacherous. Ironically, he has finally united most Israelis and Palestinians who, for different reasons, will be happy when he has left.

Feeling Closer

While driving in a Haredi neighborhood in Yerushalayim the other day, I noticed the latest wall poster, here as in Red China the preferred method of conveying news, information and public sentiment. In fact, there were two identical signs, side by side for emphasis, ominously citing the Biblical injunction: “Zachor et asher asah lecha Amalek… lo tishkach” – “Remember what Amalek did to you… Do not forget!”For additional emphasis, the word “Amalek” was written in white on a black background.
Only the word “Amalek” was substituted with the phrase “HaBayit Hayehudi.” “Remember what the “Jewish Home” did to you…do not forget,” the “Bayit Hayehudi,” of course, being the Israeli political party that began with a Religious Zionist base and has expanded its reach across most sectors of Israeli society.
The ire of the inhabitants of this neighborhood, or at least the producers of this wall poster, has been raised by Bayit Hayehudi’s platform and post-election insistence on some type of burden-sharing from the Haredi community, especially in terms of compulsory military or national service and increased participation in the work force. What has galled the Haredim is Bayit Hayehudi’s alliance with Yesh Atid, a nominally secular party that accentuated the need for “equality of burden” during the campaign, but also contains members who are Religious Zionist and Haredi.
Nothing here ever is what it seems to be, and this is no different. It has emerged in the last week that after the election Bayit Hayehudi first turned to the Haredi parties (Shas in particular) and suggested forming an alliance of religious parties – but were summarily and somewhat imperiously rebuffed by Shas who felt their ticket into the government rested on distancing themselves from Bayit Hayehudi and seizing the spoils of government for themselves. That rejection turned Bayit Hayehudi to Yair Lapid and his party Yesh Atid, in what is shaping up to be a brilliant political maneuver – both tactical and substantive.
The absence of the Haredi parties from the coalition with all that entails in loss of perks and power (i.e., money for their institutions) and the fear that the new coalition will in fact legislate Haredi participation in compulsory public service is what has engendered the hysterics on the wall posters, and the characterization of Bayit Hayehudi as “Amalek.”
They are certainly a different type of “Amalek” than the one with which we are familiar in the Torah and Jewish history. The real Amalek attacked the nascent Jewish people without provocation and throughout our history has been a consistent tormentor, the repository of all things evil: denial of G-d, relentless hatred of the Jewish people and absolute rejection of our rights to the land of Israel.
To their thinking, apparently, this new “Amalek” is expected to defend the very Jews who besmirch them, support them financially, and kowtow before their every wish and desire. If, indeed, that had been the manifesto of Amalek history – protection and support of Jews – then it is extremely doubtful we would be praying for their destruction in every generation. In fact, we would want their tribe to increase and prosper.
Yet, what the reprehensible characterization does is illuminate, or at least brings again to the table, a question that Jews have frequently asked of each other – a question that should be asked at a dinner table if you want to start an interesting discussion with unpredictable twists and turns, a question raised last week by a columnist in “Besheva,” the Religious-Zionist based weekly newspaper.
The question, asked of Religious-Zionists in Israel, is: to whom do you feel closer: to a Haredi or to a Chiloni (secular Jew)? This question arises in different forms in America, in the Modern Orthodox world: to whom do you feel closer – to a Haredi Jew or to a non-Orthodox Jew? Or, to whom to you feel closer – to a non-Orthodox Jew or to a religious Christian?
Note that “feeling closer to” does not mean “love.” We love all Jews, with their flaws, because we all have flaws. The question then is not about love but about closeness, identification, and symmetry of world view and life experiences. Ask these questions, and you will inevitably be surprised by the range of answers received. In the United States, I sense most ModO Jews feel closer to Haredim, because the study of Torah and observance of Mitzvot bring together both groups. It is rather effortless to pray together, learn together, and share together the rhythms of Jewish life, none of which are that simply achieved with non-Orthodox Jews. Granted, some will argue cogently, that the attitudes of ModO and non-O Jews toward modern life are much more similar than the attitudes toward same of Haredi Jews – but the question is not about perfect identification (otherwise, there wouldn’t be different groups) but of “feeling closer.” I sense this is the majority sentiment, but of course there is no right answer and no psak (halachic decision) either!
The last question about affinity for non-O Jews or religious Christians is much more challenging for us. The bonds of blood are strong, and we share the same destiny with our fellow Jews. But to the extent that non-Orthodox Jews worship at the shrine of liberalism, see liberal policies as the sum and substance of Torah, and are not observant of or knowledgeable about Jewish law and practice drives an emotional wedge that makes the question pertinent. To a great extent, religious Christians share the value system of traditional Jews, coming as it does from the Torah. They are comfortable with faith and the public expression of faith, have no interest in banishing “G-d” from the public sector, and often live their lives bounded by Christian ritual and observances in a similar way to what religious Jews do in our lives. Is blood stronger than values and faith? Ask around, and the answers (again, no right or wrong possible) might surprise you.
I reiterate that the issue is not love but closeness, affinity or kinship – and also that speaking in generalities is always somewhat misleading. The tendency to respond definitively based on a particular Jew or non-Jew that we know is tempting but disingenuous. Think not of a particular person but the group – with all the ambiguity that entails – and see what answers emerge. It is not a bad discussion for the seder table at the meal, as the responses go to the heart of the meaning of Jewish identity in the modern world.
To return to the first question is to see the possibility of a sea-change in Israeli life because of such hysterics as the “Amalek” references and the inability or reluctance of the Haredi world to leave their enclaves and feel like full members of the society around them. I would guess that, historically, the average Religious Zionist felt a comfort level with Haredim for many of the same reasons that ModO Jews in America do: the shared language of Torah, the love of mitzvot, even the love of Israel. But in Israel – ignoring the media straw men that are totally unrepresentative of the secular world – the average Chiloni is not anti-Torah and does not hate Judaism. The statistics that testify to the widespread observance of Shabbat on some level (around 80% light Shabbat candles, and close to that number have a real Shabbat meal), the familiarity with the holidays, the Hebrew language, the Bible and Jewish life almost belie the term “secular.”
It is no exaggeration to state that there is no comparison between the chiloni here and the non-Orthodox Jew in America in terms of knowledge and Jewish commitment (one reason why the non-Orthodox movements are still a hard-sell to Israelis), and I dare say that many chilonim are more familiar with Torah and Jewish life than are many Modern Orthodox Jews in America. (One example – my “secular” barber asked me yesterday: “do you want your haircut to last you through the Omer?”)
But in Israel, today, the mutual involvement of the chilonim and the Religious Zionists in defense, industry, culture and building the land of Israel have strengthened the bonds and made an alliance between HaBayit Hayehudi and Yesh Atid – two “new” parties with obvious antecedents – seem natural and long overdue. Granted, there will always be areas of divergence – the mandatory observance of Shabbat by public entities, support for the right of Jewish settlement throughout the land of Israel, the role of religion in public life, Israel’s public diplomacy – but those critical matters are being temporarily shelved in order to focus on resolving other important issues.
The Haredi world that has long kept its distance from the rest of society has succeeded in marginalizing itself. For all its strengths, its study of Torah does not include the works – both halachic or philosophical – of anyone outside their camp. Its observance of mitzvot – again, a strength – often seems like a caricature of what the essence of Jewish life should be, with a focus on external appearances as well as an obsession with the separation of the sexes that at times seems paranoid, if not outright dysfunctional, even given the rampant decadence in society. Their strictures are not traditional Torah norms as much as they are reactions (and probably overreactions)to a world that to them appears irredeemably degenerate.
The attitude that many in the Haredi world project – “we represent the true Jews, and therefore you must indulge us and support us” – does not really resonate anymore with most of the population, many of whom see the shirking of their responsibilities in national defense and self-support as the antithesis of Torah, not its observance or fulfillment.
And that is a terrible shame. The instinctive response of every Torah Jew is to join forces for the common good of all Jews. The parochialism that is rampant is increasingly off-putting and destructive. That the goal of having all Jews work together is met by the extremists with cries of “Amalek,” and by some rabbinical leaders during the campaign apparently oblivious to the laws of lashon hara who denigrated Naftali Bennett and others with the most derisive insults, does not bode well for the future.
The good news is, first, that circumstances may force changes in the Haredi world if their financial support from the tax dollars of others is cut drastically; and, second, that Pesach is coming, a reminder of the shared origin and common destiny of all Jews.

Bikur Cholim – Visiting the Sick

Visiting the sick (or the “not yet well,” as we like to call the temporarily afflicted) is one of the characteristic acts of kindness that define the life of a Jew. It is a simulation of divine chesed. The Talmud (Sotah 14a) cites the verse (Devarim 13:5) that “You shall follow G-d,” and explains: “Can a person really follow the divine presence, which is a consuming fire? Rather, follow G-d’s ways…just like G-d visits the sick, so too you should visit the sick.”
Thus, bikur cholim is an important mitzvah, but – like all mitzvot – it has a precise form and methodology. Often, people with the best intentions can stumble and inadvertently fail to fulfill the commandment properly, or, in the worst case, actually exacerbate the choleh’s predicament. It is important to know that the essence of the mitzvah is to inquire after the choleh’s needs, and especially to pray for his/her recovery. To leave without offering a specific blessing – “G-d should have mercy on you and all cholei Yisrael,” or “May Hashem send you a speedy refuah shleima from Heaven” – does not fulfill the mitzvah.
Beyond the technicalities of the mitzvah is the realization that the choleh is a human being, and not merely – like a lulav, so to speak – a cheftza shel mitzvah, the vehicle through which the commandment is performed. I have heard from cholim who understand well the importance of the mitzvah, the willingness of people to perform it and the necessity to recognize guidelines and limitations. It is not always easy for the “healthy,” so to speak, to empathize with the choleh.
Thus, one overcome by serious illness needs time to adjust to the new reality, the challenge that G-d has sent his/her way. And it is a challenge; as is well known, we cannot always control what happens to us but we can control our reaction to it. Every stage in life is part of our mission to fulfill the destiny that G-d has set for us. Some cholim want to explore the spiritual dimensions of their illness, but others do not. One should be guided by the choleh, and not be too intrusive as to the spiritual state of the person unless the person raises the matter. Granted, the essential mitzvah is to tend to the physical needs of the person, but refuat hanefesh is often a part of a person’s recovery or his way of coping. That matter, nonetheless, is best raised by the choleh.
Even regarding the personal needs of the choleh, each person is different. Someone who is homebound can still be functional – and talk on the phone, daven, give tzedaka, learn Torah and even comfort others. Some look for ubiquitous companionship and others prefer time for solitude or just recovery. The time frame for visits should be determined by the choleh, although Chazal state that one should not visit in the first three or last three hours of the day – early morning or late evening. (The laws of Bikur Cholim are found in the Shulchan Aruch, Yoreh Deah, Chapter 335.) If the choleh says that “now is not a good time,” we must respect that – and certainly not say: “You are depriving me of the opportunity to do a mitzvah!” It is best not even to call early in the morning or late at night. One should first ascertain whether the timing of the visit is appropriate for the choleh – but also for the choleh’s family, which is also great impacted by the illness of their loved one. They too need chizuk – and sometimes just space and a life away from caretaking.
Thus, the choleh’s relatives should always be greeted not with the “pity face” but b’sever panim yafot, with a smile and pleasant countenance. They need not be reminded by your expression of their pain, nor do they need to be distracted from it. The worst reaction – not common but not uncommon either – is to avoid eye contact, to make believe that they are not really there. That reaction – seemingly cold even from otherwise thoughtful people – is an unconscious attempt to avoid causing pain, and even to avoid identifying with that pain that will someday be theirs as well. But little is as painful as that – as if not the illness but the sadness is infectious. Sometimes, the best approach is just to say “hello” with a smile, or send a card or message with simple words that you are thinking of them, davening for them, etc. Certainly, one can call and leave such a message on the answering machine – and do not at a later stage confront the choleh accusingly and ask why your call wasn’t returned? Not every call can be reciprocated. And if you have not called, do not tell the choleh that you didn’t call because you “know that they have others looking after them.” That might be true but it is not relevant, and just an attempt to assuage guilt.
Above all – be normal (a good rule for life in every event). That is hard to do because, again, it can be psychologically painful to see oneself in the position of the choleh and so we try to escape from having any association with that quandary. (Death often evokes a similar reaction in people.) That such is common does not make it acceptable, so, be normal, and supportive to the extent welcomed.
It is very helpful when friends offer to help, but the help should be specific rather than generic – not “can I do anything for you?” or “Please let me know if I can do anything for you” – but specific: “I am going to X Market. What can I get for you?” Or, “can I cook for you [or for your children]?” Can I drive you to the doctor?”
And, of course, whatever you commit to doing – do! Offer to do anything in your comfort zone – but then follow through. Do not say you are cooking, and then (well, of course you will cook, but) expect the spouse to pick it up. Do not offer to drive and then cancel (absent some exigency, of course.) Offering and reneging is worse than not offering at all.
If the choleh accepts your favor, then certainly be discreet. If you drive the person to the doctor, then the patient trusts you. Do not share personal information about the choleh’s condition with others. That is always the prerogative of the choleh. First and foremost, always respect the person’s privacy and dignity.
Visits should be kept brief. Do not stay too long, unless the choleh specifically requests it. Offer chizuk rather than pity, and don’t visit if your visit will make the choleh feel worse. (“Your illness has hurt our friendship and ruined my life!” or “You are not the same person!”) When appropriate, offer words of chizuk or Divrei Torah and even drop off reading material that can enrich the life of the person.
If the choleh wishes to speak about his/her illness, then by all means be receptive and listen, but do not ask about specific symptoms, prognoses or other medical issues unless the information is volunteered. The choleh might be uncomfortable discussing certain matters. If you have a valid reason to suggest a different medical protocol, then do so, but do not suggest that the choleh change doctors in mid-treatment, as that can shake the patient’s confidence and undermine his psychological state.
What should you talk about with the choleh? Certainly tell them what is happening in your life, but do not complain about having to do errands or activities that the choleh would love to be doing but for the illness. If you see the choleh (or relative) in shul davening with kavana, it would be rude and improper to interrupt them for a general inquiry about their welfare. They, especially, need those moments of solitude with Hashem.
Understand, as well, that each person handles illness in a unique and subjective way. There are people whose true needs are known to them only in retrospect, whether they required more support or less. That applies to both the choleh and the family. And just as we would not criticize someone who is public about the illness, so too we should not castigate (even behind closed doors) someone who wants to remain private. There is no one right way, although Chazal do state that it is preferable to inform people of one’s troubles so they can pray for you (Sotah 32b). But, ultimately, the choice is personal, and we must always recall that the illness is not the person and does not define the person. The person remains a human being entitled to respect and consideration, and has a life beyond the illness also.
And perhaps our main contribution to the welfare of the afflicted is to daven for them, to always have them in our thoughts and prayers. Davening helps – it helps the choleh but it also helps others develop a closer, more intimate connection with Hashem. That might be one reason why visiting the sick is a mitzvah whose fruit we consume in this world but whose principal remains for the world-to-come. It is a mitzvah that is not as easy as it looks, and in which we can all easily fall short, but one that properly done invariably makes us better people. With good intentions and even better words and deeds, we can bring great comfort to all cholim, as we pray to Hashem to bring them – and all cholei Yisrael – a refuah shleimah, a complete and speedy recovery.